Ever Have You Ever

Depression literally strips you of your Identity. It is lost, whoever you were. Depression-fire and brimstone visiting from Hell. It sears every ounce of you until you are flat, breakable, and dust. Then you are bent and contorted beyond reality, left alone with your warped and pummeled mind. Who are you? What is life? What is the point? Where is there meaning?

Years of torture and you glimpse a horizon. The first horizon you’ve ever seen, you are not who you were. You never realized that such beauty existed, such hope. A new light enters your soul. Your mind understands, ever so slightly. You have been creative and resourceful. Despite all the darkness and death you have felt inside, you lived to see this sunrise. The greatest of all sunrises, because it was revealed For you.

Ever Have You Ever reached this first horizon? Seen the greatest of sunrises revealed just for you? When you reach this point you will not know who you are. This is normal. You have not been allowed to reflect positively on yourself. You have not been seeing your strengths, for they were hidden from you. Nor have you seen your personality, for it was stripped from you. Such is the torture of Depression.

Be kind to yourself. You will find that you suddenly — can. Of course habits taught to you by Depression require some patience to let go of. But you will have Hope to carry you on your way. You will see clearer. And Joy can be found again.

Depression will nab you from time to time. It will never forget you. Nor can It quite accept the fact that you found a way to escapeIt. Life will have meaning and these bouts of torture last but little compared to the years you have suffered and endured.

There is an end. Sadly not a severing of ties to Depression. It can take years to find this ending. But it is there. You can do this. You have come so far. You are a warrior and a champion. You are destined to do great things since Depression chose to bring you down. You are not Depression. You will find a way to escape. Be patient with you.

~Sarah Mitchell

Depression

Somewhere I’ve been lost. I don’t find joy in the little things or the big for that matter. I am late, because I have to battle my will to come. I don’t have the desire to come in the first place, but the anxiety of not going was overwhelming. This battle of wills takes time. Therefore I am late. I don’t want to do anything. Nor do I want to get ready. But heaven forbid that I go out looking anything less than perfect-anxiety.

Showering is difficult, eating is the same. I hardly shower or get ready, because it’s hard and a burden. If my mom didn’t make food, I don’t know if I’d eat. Making food is a burden and hunger has become a friend. Hunger is a feeling other than sadness and deep sorrow.

Being with my friends and family is difficult. I can hardly talk to them, smile with them, look them in the eye, or enjoy their company. I feel like a shell of who I once was. I don’t laugh anymore.

I wanted to play a game with my cousins, but couldn’t find the desire to do it. Playing-pointless.  Watching movies-pointless. Writing-pointless. Reading-pointless. Talking-pointless. Walking-pointless. Moving-pointless.

I’m just going through the motions. I know myself, but I’m not feeling myself. I can act myself, but I am not myself. I’m hiding behind this shadow of who I once was. I can smile, but because it’s expected. I can laugh, but I don’t feel it. When talking I’m not in the conversation. I ramble and forget what we were talking about.

I zone out from life and forget things. Little details, such as names I know, escape from me. I’m lost. I don’t know who I am anymore. I am unfeeling. I can’t even cry anymore.

I feel as if I could become one with the bed, unmoving, unthinking, unfeeling. I don’t want to sleep and can’t when I try to. When, finally, I do fall asleep I can’t get up. I am so tired. My body is heavy. My eyes hurt from lack of sleep. They are heavy, my eyelids close on their own accord. I just want to sleep, forget, be forgotten.

Exercising is stressful. Being out of breath makes me feel claustrophobic. Being with people, stressful. I can’t seem to think or talk. I over analyze all that I say. My mental processing is sluggish. I am thoughtless. Everything falls apart, shatters, is dust.

Fear is my constant companion, because all seems to fail. I fail myself, my friends, my family, my responsibilities.

I sleep and sleep and lay motionless on my bed. Why do anything? Doing things is like running through mud up to your hips, a fight for every second of the journey. I’m tired from every effort. My limbs feel heavy from the slightest of efforts.

I’m tired of feeling nothing but sadness. My heart has closed in on itself.
I’m tired of feeling like everything I do is wrong. My life feels wasted.
I’m tired of feeling pointless. My mind sees nothing.
It all seems pointless.
I am here, but I’m tired. Heart, mind, body, soul. I am tired.
Just tired.

Progress and the Update

Alright it has been a while, but I have some good news!!! I have completed my first draft of Book 1. I have had some ideas for the title, but haven’t decided if I like any.So much of the story has changed since I have started writing it. I feel like I have written more than just one draft. I guess that is the process, for me at least, of writing a book.

This will be an Epic Fantasy. Epic fantasy is where you build your own world. Conflict between good and great evil will be seen throughout the story, a conflict that effects the worlds. A lot will go into defeating the evil and at the end of the story (in my case the trilogy) there will be a significant change seen in the world of the book.
A basic example of Epic Fantasy is: Lord of the Rings

Goal: To be a published author in 2017
Books 1,2,3-Outlines: 100%
Character Sketching: 100%
Book 1-Draft: 100%
Book 1-Draft*2*: 10%

 

It is What it is

People want to lable me fragile or strong.
It really doesn’t matter
But They are both wrong.
 .
It’s not just one thing that I feel every day;
It’s Hope and it’s sorrow
Its needing to pray.
 .
It’s my heart that is suffering,
enduring and alive.
It’s deep down emotion,
and my will to survive.
 .
Some name that strength, some name it fragility.
If they would asked me
I wouldn’t name it…

Dissonance

Time seems to be slipping away.
Dark pools of resonance
Flowing with echoes of truth,
lost and afraid.
The path before has lost the glow of predawn light;
An eclipsed sorrow of the dark.
A tear, a tear, a damaging care.
Life of peril, the gentle rot, things forgot
And faces dimmed.
Nonsenses of the heart.
It’s dark. It’s dark.
My heart, my heart,
Oh, my bleeding heart.

– Sarah Mitchell

Your Biggest Hero

white flora

Although many people help you get through your life, I think it’s important to point out who your biggest hero is. And that is You!

Think about it. When you had no motivation to get out of bed, who made you get out of bed? You. You made the choice to get up, drag your feet, and start brushing your teeth. Even if your mom or spouse literally pulled you out of bed, you could have remained immovable and on the floor. Yet, you got up. You made yourself eat food, even though food had lost it’s savor. You took a shower, even though the idea of it caused you anxiety. You chose to go to work, or care for your children, while knowing the great stresses you’d face throughout the day. You made the choice to remember your responsibilities and to do the best that you could.

And you are the one who called on God for help. You are the one who went in to talk with a therapist. Despite social prejudices you started taking medication to better function in your day to day life. It was your choice. Your choice to use the tools given you to seek help and live a less stressful and angst ridden existence. Others may have encouraged or pushed you, but you are the one that had the final say so.

What a beautiful person you are. What strength you have.
How proud we are of you!

You are a Hero.

-Sarah S Mitchell

Update of the Progress

I plan on being done with my 1st draft in 2 months. When I say first draft I mean extremely rough draft. It is really choppy and has a lot of rambling. The rambling is like a character sketch of the scene. I write down everything I want to be known and felt and seen in the scene. I also write out the feel I want the reader to get about the characters and what information about the main plot I want the reader to get from the chapter.

It’s been a lot of fun. I have been writing it in chapters. Some days I am more motivated than others, but have remained fairly consistent in my writing. I have written 14 chapters.

My most favorite thing of all is that I have FINALLY figured out the ending of my series!! It took a while, but I found the puzzle piece that fits! Yay! 😀

Book 1&2-Outline: 100%
Book 3-Outline: 90%
Book 1-Draft: 30%
Character Sketching: 50%

Grapefruit for the Soul

The other day due to many variables I had a terrible really bad day. Lots of little things that normally wouldn’t have bothered me this day did so and more. After nannying I came home, flopped face first onto my bed, and cried. I kept saying to myself over and over, “I give up. I give up. I give up.” I continued this mantra for a while. (Let me add in here: I did not want to kill myself. I don’t have thoughts like that. I just didn’t want to move or do anything or try.) I sat there for several minutes. My mom wanted to know what was wrong and I could not tell her. I didn’t even want to try. I just shook my head and was mute for about an hour.

In that dark hour I called out to my God. I begged Him to help me, to bring back the joy in my life. It was a very personal and simple prayer.

I then got up and ate a grapefruit. Surprisingly that had a soul lifting effect on me. Eating that grapefruit made me feel happy. I had made the choice to enjoy it.

In reality I had NOT given up. I just reached the point of ‘after all you can do.’ Because prayer is the final thing you can do after doing everything else. If you can still pray you have not given up.

After happily eating my sweet grapefruit I could smile again. I started laughing with my mom and I did some tasks I had been meaning to do.

Later as I was talking with my mom, I said, “suddenly I have so much energy and I feel so happy!” That was when I realized God answered my prayer. I thanked Him immediately. God always answers our prayers. They just aren’t always answered in such a crisp manner. This day there was a night and day difference. I ate that Grapefruit and Bam! I felt good again! What a miracle! Thank you Heavenly Father. I am so glad we have a Father in Heaven who loves us.

-Sarah S Mitchell

Shine

ShineSometimes you want to shine where you are.

Not because you’re placed on a pedestal,

But because of who you are.

-Sarah S Mitchell

I was thinking about famous people the other day. You know the genuine good celebrities. They are constantly in the spotlight and placed on a pedestal in people’s minds. I wrote this poem for them, thinking this is how they must feel at times. For their career I’m sure they love the attention. But like any person they aren’t always immersed in their career. They go home and live a normal life. Except for celebrities. They can’t go anywhere in public without being recognized. Maybe they want to be who they are, where they are, without being categorized into their celebrity status.

Progress Update

There are two sisters in these books. And dragons, but not quite like you would expect. I chose to have older characters. I wanted them to be past the teenager stage and into the young adult stage; they are still figuring out life, but with more confidence.

Book 1&2-Outline: 100%
Book 3-Outline: 51%
Book 1-Draft: 12%
Character Sketching: 50%

I’m really excited to finish book 1!