Ever Have You Ever

Depression literally strips you of your Identity. It is lost, whoever you were. Depression-fire and brimstone visiting from Hell. It sears every ounce of you until you are flat, breakable, and dust. Then you are bent and contorted beyond reality, left alone with your warped and pummeled mind. Who are you? What is life? What is the point? Where is there meaning?

Years of torture and you glimpse a horizon. The first horizon you’ve ever seen, you are not who you were. You never realized that such beauty existed, such hope. A new light enters your soul. Your mind understands, ever so slightly. You have been creative and resourceful. Despite all the darkness and death you have felt inside, you lived to see this sunrise. The greatest of all sunrises, because it was revealed For you.

Ever Have You Ever reached this first horizon? Seen the greatest of sunrises revealed just for you? When you reach this point you will not know who you are. This is normal. You have not been allowed to reflect positively on yourself. You have not been seeing your strengths, for they were hidden from you. Nor have you seen your personality, for it was stripped from you. Such is the torture of Depression.

Be kind to yourself. You will find that you suddenly — can. Of course habits taught to you by Depression require some patience to let go of. But you will have Hope to carry you on your way. You will see clearer. And Joy can be found again.

Depression will nab you from time to time. It will never forget you. Nor can It quite accept the fact that you found a way to escapeIt. Life will have meaning and these bouts of torture last but little compared to the years you have suffered and endured.

There is an end. Sadly not a severing of ties to Depression. It can take years to find this ending. But it is there. You can do this. You have come so far. You are a warrior and a champion. You are destined to do great things since Depression chose to bring you down. You are not Depression. You will find a way to escape. Be patient with you.

~Sarah Mitchell

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Depression

Somewhere I’ve been lost. I don’t find joy in the little things or the big for that matter. I am late, because I have to battle my will to come. I don’t have the desire to come in the first place, but the anxiety of not going was overwhelming. This battle of wills takes time. Therefore I am late. I don’t want to do anything. Nor do I want to get ready. But heaven forbid that I go out looking anything less than perfect-anxiety.

Showering is difficult, eating is the same. I hardly shower or get ready, because it’s hard and a burden. If my mom didn’t make food, I don’t know if I’d eat. Making food is a burden and hunger has become a friend. Hunger is a feeling other than sadness and deep sorrow.

Being with my friends and family is difficult. I can hardly talk to them, smile with them, look them in the eye, or enjoy their company. I feel like a shell of who I once was. I don’t laugh anymore.

I wanted to play a game with my cousins, but couldn’t find the desire to do it. Playing-pointless.  Watching movies-pointless. Writing-pointless. Reading-pointless. Talking-pointless. Walking-pointless. Moving-pointless.

I’m just going through the motions. I know myself, but I’m not feeling myself. I can act myself, but I am not myself. I’m hiding behind this shadow of who I once was. I can smile, but because it’s expected. I can laugh, but I don’t feel it. When talking I’m not in the conversation. I ramble and forget what we were talking about.

I zone out from life and forget things. Little details, such as names I know, escape from me. I’m lost. I don’t know who I am anymore. I am unfeeling. I can’t even cry anymore.

I feel as if I could become one with the bed, unmoving, unthinking, unfeeling. I don’t want to sleep and can’t when I try to. When, finally, I do fall asleep I can’t get up. I am so tired. My body is heavy. My eyes hurt from lack of sleep. They are heavy, my eyelids close on their own accord. I just want to sleep, forget, be forgotten.

Exercising is stressful. Being out of breath makes me feel claustrophobic. Being with people, stressful. I can’t seem to think or talk. I over analyze all that I say. My mental processing is sluggish. I am thoughtless. Everything falls apart, shatters, is dust.

Fear is my constant companion, because all seems to fail. I fail myself, my friends, my family, my responsibilities.

I sleep and sleep and lay motionless on my bed. Why do anything? Doing things is like running through mud up to your hips, a fight for every second of the journey. I’m tired from every effort. My limbs feel heavy from the slightest of efforts.

I’m tired of feeling nothing but sadness. My heart has closed in on itself.
I’m tired of feeling like everything I do is wrong. My life feels wasted.
I’m tired of feeling pointless. My mind sees nothing.
It all seems pointless.
I am here, but I’m tired. Heart, mind, body, soul. I am tired.
Just tired.

It is What it is

People want to lable me fragile or strong.
It really doesn’t matter
But They are both wrong.
 .
It’s not just one thing that I feel every day;
It’s Hope and it’s sorrow
Its needing to pray.
 .
It’s my heart that is suffering,
enduring and alive.
It’s deep down emotion,
and my will to survive.
 .
Some name that strength, some name it fragility.
If they would asked me
I wouldn’t name it…

Dissonance

Time seems to be slipping away.
Dark pools of resonance
Flowing with echoes of truth,
lost and afraid.
The path before has lost the glow of predawn light;
An eclipsed sorrow of the dark.
A tear, a tear, a damaging care.
Life of peril, the gentle rot, things forgot
And faces dimmed.
Nonsenses of the heart.
It’s dark. It’s dark.
My heart, my heart,
Oh, my bleeding heart.

– Sarah Mitchell

Your Biggest Hero

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Although many people help you get through your life, I think it’s important to point out who your biggest hero is. And that is You!

Think about it. When you had no motivation to get out of bed, who made you get out of bed? You. You made the choice to get up, drag your feet, and start brushing your teeth. Even if your mom or spouse literally pulled you out of bed, you could have remained immovable and on the floor. Yet, you got up. You made yourself eat food, even though food had lost it’s savor. You took a shower, even though the idea of it caused you anxiety. You chose to go to work, or care for your children, while knowing the great stresses you’d face throughout the day. You made the choice to remember your responsibilities and to do the best that you could.

And you are the one who called on God for help. You are the one who went in to talk with a therapist. Despite social prejudices you started taking medication to better function in your day to day life. It was your choice. Your choice to use the tools given you to seek help and live a less stressful and angst ridden existence. Others may have encouraged or pushed you, but you are the one that had the final say so.

What a beautiful person you are. What strength you have.
How proud we are of you!

You are a Hero.

-Sarah S Mitchell

Grapefruit for the Soul

The other day due to many variables I had a terrible really bad day. Lots of little things that normally wouldn’t have bothered me this day did so and more. After nannying I came home, flopped face first onto my bed, and cried. I kept saying to myself over and over, “I give up. I give up. I give up.” I continued this mantra for a while. (Let me add in here: I did not want to kill myself. I don’t have thoughts like that. I just didn’t want to move or do anything or try.) I sat there for several minutes. My mom wanted to know what was wrong and I could not tell her. I didn’t even want to try. I just shook my head and was mute for about an hour.

In that dark hour I called out to my God. I begged Him to help me, to bring back the joy in my life. It was a very personal and simple prayer.

I then got up and ate a grapefruit. Surprisingly that had a soul lifting effect on me. Eating that grapefruit made me feel happy. I had made the choice to enjoy it.

In reality I had NOT given up. I just reached the point of ‘after all you can do.’ Because prayer is the final thing you can do after doing everything else. If you can still pray you have not given up.

After happily eating my sweet grapefruit I could smile again. I started laughing with my mom and I did some tasks I had been meaning to do.

Later as I was talking with my mom, I said, “suddenly I have so much energy and I feel so happy!” That was when I realized God answered my prayer. I thanked Him immediately. God always answers our prayers. They just aren’t always answered in such a crisp manner. This day there was a night and day difference. I ate that Grapefruit and Bam! I felt good again! What a miracle! Thank you Heavenly Father. I am so glad we have a Father in Heaven who loves us.

-Sarah S Mitchell

Shine

ShineSometimes you want to shine where you are.

Not because you’re placed on a pedestal,

But because of who you are.

-Sarah S Mitchell

I was thinking about famous people the other day. You know the genuine good celebrities. They are constantly in the spotlight and placed on a pedestal in people’s minds. I wrote this poem for them, thinking this is how they must feel at times. For their career I’m sure they love the attention. But like any person they aren’t always immersed in their career. They go home and live a normal life. Except for celebrities. They can’t go anywhere in public without being recognized. Maybe they want to be who they are, where they are, without being categorized into their celebrity status.

Uniquely Beautiful

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A lot of women seek after beauty. And for some reason if they don’t feel ‘beautiful’ their confidence is lost in a chaotic spiral of despair. If someone doesn’t like you because you are not ‘beautiful’ then they are missing out on a new adventure. And that is getting to know You; Your quirks; Your uniqueness; Your individuality; The things that make you tick or feel insecure; The things that make you, You.

The most beautiful masterpieces are the ones that inspire and create deep heartfelt emotions whether there are sharp contrasts or soft edges, they inspire in their own unique way. Yet, each are equally loved. Think about the Mona Lisa, Starry Night, and Cloudgate Sculpture (Bean in Chicago).

Their absence in life would  be noticed because they are loved for what they give others. The Bean makes me smile, the Mona Lisa makes me curious, and Starry Night inspires my dreams.

You can learn so much by loving someone, getting to know them, and being kind. Really beauty is how you bring a smile to another’s face, the hug you give to someone in need of comfort, and the gift of a smile that you give to a stranger. It’s looking outside yourself, and the courage it takes to do so, that helps you see your beauty.

Then you will see what truly is beautiful.

-Sarah S Mitchell

Bookworm Wordworm

There is a certain magnetism to words.

Since infancy we have heard, seen, and felt words. They are the way we communicate our thoughts, our feelings, and our ideas.

Words can be interpreted in so many ways depending on a person’s experiences and perspective. For an author to convey what they see, it takes great effort and prowess. It takes time, patience, and lengthy consideration.

People love reading what pulls them into a new idea, world or perspective. Anything worth reading draws them into a swirling orchestration of words. Maybe it tugs on their heart strings. Possibly they bask in contentment. Some words may fire up their desire to improve. And sometimes they are seething with anger or falling madly in love.

Words send out their essence. They beckon to us. “Come, taste of this knowledge;” “Experience a new adventure;” “Open your heart;” “Consider this unique idea.”

We love it. We live for it. We want to understand. We want to be understood.

Hence, the magnetism of words.

-Sarah S Mitchell

Love and Light

light

To live an existence without knowing the other
causes the heart to dim.

For the glow of our love magnifies our passion
to live, to love, and to serve another.

The misery of time was hard to bear alone,
yet stronger and brighter we became.

Until together we came to shine
and our hearts acted as one.

Each dark burden we bear,
it is now Together.

Each bright joy we experience,
it is in unity.

Now our lives are aglow for forever,
Never to be dimmed or undone.

-Sarah S. Mitchell

Depending on what you are feeling this poem can be about the enlightenment of love or the enlightenment of truth/knowledge. It’s about the power of truth and the power of true love. It’s about an eternal marriage that is forever or the fact that no one can take away from you truth/knowledge, ever. It’s about uplifting and supporting another human being in any type of relationship and reaching out to help bear another’s burden.